Post #59 In Which We Re-Cast Heathers

Yesterday we were sitting around watching Heathers, and naturally, we got to talking about what would happen if there were to be a remake. Honestly, it's only a matter of time before someone in Hollywood gets around to it. I mean, they've got to be running out of material to recycle by now. (I know there's been talk of a sequel for years, but I think that actually makes even less sense than a straight up remake, so we'll just pretend that never happened.) It took us a few tries to come up with the perfect cast, (it's hard to think of young male actors that aren't RPattz or Zac Effron), but I think we've finally got it:



Kat Dennings in the place of Winona Ryder, and Juno subbing in for Christian Slater. Lesbians (well, the fake ones at least) are still "in" right? So it's bound to make some bank at the box office. Diablo Cody would of course be asked to write it. It's the only way to make sure that the correct number of pop culture references and the appropriate fake slang make it in the movie. Plus, they'd have to come up with new catchphrases since "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw" wouldn't fly in this PG-13 world we're living in.

In the same vein, they'd probably have to rework the plot a bit too. I don't know how staged teenage suicides and bomb threats would go over in a post-Columbine society. Maybe they could just put nasty pictures of the Heathers on Facebook or something. Or probably MySpace since the movie would be put out by Fox Searchlight.

Bit parts could be played by pretty much anyone who is on the cover of J-14, but the role of "Martha Dumptruck" would have to be changed to "Michael Dumptruck" so it could be played by Jonah Hill. He would spend half the movie yelling, cursing, and making dick and fart jokes for no apparent reason.

The entire thing would be set to a soundtrack of songs you may have heard while shopping in an Urban Outfitters. It would also be protested by the Westboro Baptists Church upon release.

I don't know about you guys, but I think we've got something going here.

[EDIT]: You have got to be fucking kidding me: "Heathers Remake Becomes a TV Series". I don't know how I missed this little piece of "news" floating around the internet, but I guess our imaginations weren't quite grotesque enough. Maybe they can get that kid who was Ethan on 90210 to play JD. He's probably still looking for work.