Can I Be Real For a Minute?

So I'm a few days late on this, but it just wouldn't be right to let such an important event come and go without a mention on this blog (and by “a mention” I do mean “an unnecessarily long gif-heavy tribute that will probably make your browser freeze if your computer was made before 2006”). So, Monday night marked the return of critically acclaimed reality show the Hills. It also meant that I wouldn't have to spend my 7pm staring blankly at the screen through that shitfest that was the City.

The episode is centred around Lauren's surprise party on a boat (MOTHERFUCKER), because apparently the cool thing to do when you turn 23 is to relive your high school prom, except this time you don't have to hide the vodka in a water bottle and down it before you go in.



Stephanie, being the annoying little shit starter that she is, decided to invite Heidi to the party, which is you know, not going to be awkward at all. Especially when you take into consideration the fact that it's on a fucking boat and assuming you didn't bring a raft there's not exactly an easy way out when shit gets uncomfortable. Obviously, Lauren isn't too happy about this.



Now, with Heidi off at his mortal enemy's birthday party, what is Spencer to do? Not content to sit at home with his retro video games, he decides to have a sort of boys night out. It's been a while since the finale of last season when Spencer got Heidi drunk off her ass and fake married her in Mexico, so you may be wondering if maybe he's changed since then. The answer: no.

Well, the beard is gone but he's still got that serial killer stare down:



He's still kind of a douche:



And he spent his night hitting on an extremely classy bartender. She should consider herself lucky, I mean, who wouldn't want a piece of this hotness?


uck.


So shitstarter Stephanie gets a text form her shitstarter ex about Spencer and immediately tells Heidi. Heidi is shocked:



But Lauren, expressing everyone else's view about this situation, knows it's just more of the same old shit:



Then we're treated with a scene that might as well be lifted from an episode of the OC. First Spencer, borrowing a line from Drea De Matteo, was all like, “come at me bitch.” But he wasn't going to wait, and popped the guy one on the chin and actually drew a little blood. Welcome to the Hills, bitch.



This is where shit gets real. Heidi wants to leave, but can't because as I mention before, they're on a fucking boat. So, searching for comfort over Spencer's asshatery, she turns to the only friend she ever had because she can't seem to keep any, Lauren. Apparently, old habits die hard (or maybe it's just all the booze. Js.).



Laurens reminds Heidi that Spencer is not only a “sucky person,” but also an asshole. Heidi cries about how she misses Lauren's friendship, and how her “favourite memories were here memories with her.” What is actually most remarkable about this scene is that, despite all the tears, no one's make-up is running. I miss the black tears.



Is it weird that at this point I'm sort of shipping Heidi and Lauren? I mean, she did say she was the person she “loved and adored” the most. Okay, maybe it is a little weird.



It all ends with this:



Whoa, hold up. Did Heidi seriously just wipe a tear from Lauren's eye, and then fix her hair? Seriously? That's the kind of thing that in movies is usually followed by a passionate kiss, or by a kid telling their mom to get up out their business. Maybe it's not that weird ... no yeah, it's still weird.

Thus ends my first, and let's face it, probably last Hills recap. I don't know how I feel about the fact that I wasted an evening making a set of gifs of the fucking Hills, and then posting them on this fine blog that no one reads. Plus, based on the second episode that I didn't think was worth mentioning, it's probably all down hill from here.

"I used to be with it...

...but then they changed what 'it' was. Now, what I'm with isn't 'it' and what's it seems weird and scary. It'll happen to you!"

Maybe the above quote from the wise Grandpa Simpson is a little premature: I like to think I'm still with "it," but you know those moments where you feel incredibly out of the loop? Well, I'm going to tell you about one. There's this band called An Horse that I absolutely adore (and you all should too). I knew they were playing shows in North America so I kept my eye on when they were coming and saw that they were opening for some band I'd never heard of called Wintersleep. Turns out, they are popular as fuck because when I finally hit up Ticketmaster shit was sold out. Here's the kicker, my dear poseur friend (it's okay I called her that. She knows she's a poseur. She told me to say that.) already had tickets and went. She said it was amazing and now I'm jealous. This was as bad as when I found out Bloc Party was coming from a Ticketmaster e-mail. Seriously, I used to be on top of this kind of shit.

Anyway, here's one of her pictures of Kate from An Horse. Hopefully the first and last in a series of "pictures from shows I didn't go to but seriously wish I had."

U guise are really good singers...

We went and saw the Bee-rilliant B-town for her I Am... tour which hit Vancuntver on Tuesday.

While our obnoxious singing/screaming, was met with some criticism, (not that we even care... -_-" <-- YES I TOTALLY JUST DID THAT), the most interesting experience/revelation of the night occurred when we found ourselves being annoyed as fuck at the people who only wanted The Queen B to do Single Ladies and If I Were A Boy the whole night: We'll be fucking snobs about anything. Even Beyonce.

While it was certainly not The Beyonce Experience, Beyonce indubitably bee-rought it (Sorry. Had too). Which only brings 2 complaints: WHY HAS RADIO NOT YET BEEN RELEASED AS A SINGLE and WHY HASN'T IT BEEN REMIXED.

C'mon hip hop stars. I know you waaaaaant to.

I think it's official...

Wayfarers are no longer hipster (and thank god. I was beginning to think I was starting to look like one).

Where Is My Robot Maid?

Earlier today I finally made the decision to clean my room because it looked like a fucking crack den and I needed to study, and a crack den isn't exactly the kind of environment that encourages a good work ethic. Then I thought, "oh wait a second, I fucking hate cleaning. I sure wish I never had to do this bullshit." Then I started thinking about when I was a kid, and I remembered all the cool things I thought we'd have in the "future." Well, the "future" is here and it turns out my seven year old self had some ridiculously high expectations.

Okay, I'll admit we've come a long way since I was seven. We've got flat screen televisions, ipods, stoves that can boil water in 90 seconds, cell phones that can browse the internet, and our computers don't have 8 inch black and white screens any more, but we're living in the 21st Century now. These are the times when all those science fiction movies I watched as a kid were set, so my inner child is wondering, where are our flying cars, and especially where are our robot maids?

The closest thing we've got is a Roomba, which is convenient but (even with a hastily added MSPaint hate and apron) it ain't no Rosie from the Jetsons.


I'm probably asking for too much anyway. Based on my current experience with technology a robot maid would probably be more trouble that it's worth. You'd ask it to tidy the living room and ten minutes later it would be mopping the carpet and vacuuming the hardwood. Or maybe it would get frozen washing one window in a loop and then you'd have to grab a screwdriver and remove the battery and start over. Then ten minutes before an Christmas dinner it would suddenly need to restart to install some “important” updates.

Also, let's not forget that it would only be a matter of time before they had us cleaning their houses. I forgot to mention up there that most of those futuristic movies with the robots, and the lasers, and the flying cars usually take place in some sort of horrible apocalyptic wasteland, so maybe fifteen minutes to clean my room isn't so bad after all.

Also, please enjoy this video of Asimo falling down the stairs as a reminder of just how far we've got to go until we get all that awesome Jetsons shit:

Who Watches the Watchhmen?

So we saw Watchmen on Friday night. It wasn't sold out, but it was pretty packed. There was no one really dressed up, just a couple of smiley face pins and a girl who squealed at the end of the Wolverine trailer. I could go on about how much I loved the movie, but that's already been done to death on the internet. Instead of writing a review, I'm just going to point out a very astute and hilarious observation we had while watching the movie: Apparently, Laurie Jupiter is such a fucking hipster.



Hat, tilted back on head to allow for optimal view of blunt bangs? Check. Pair of Ray-Ban Wavers? Check. Leather coat? check.



Black leggings? Check. Shoes? Check.

She might as well be Erin from The City. JS.

No one on the corner has swagga like Kurt

YA BURNT. (literally)
ROASTED. (literally)

Have you guys ever seen the 1991 film Backdraft directed by Ron Howard and featuring an all-star cast of Kurt Russel, Billy Baldwin, and Robert DeNiro? Because if not, you should get on that. It's some Oscar worthy shit. I mean, some real Godfather Pt. II quality filmmaking. You see, it's this harrowing tale about these two brothers who are firefighters, and their father was also a firefighter, and they're trying to stop this arsonist who's on a rampage. Then some stuff happens and there's this great training montage. To be honest, I don't know how it ends because I never got that far, but I'm sure that whatever happens it's really awesome and involves a lot of fire.