So I'm a few days late on this, but it just wouldn't be right to let such an important event come and go without a mention on this blog (and by “a mention” I do mean “an unnecessarily long gif-heavy tribute that will probably make your browser freeze if your computer was made before 2006”). So, Monday night marked the return of critically acclaimed reality show the Hills. It also meant that I wouldn't have to spend my 7pm staring blankly at the screen through that shitfest that was the City.
The episode is centred around Lauren's surprise party on a boat (MOTHERFUCKER), because apparently the cool thing to do when you turn 23 is to relive your high school prom, except this time you don't have to hide the vodka in a water bottle and down it before you go in.
Stephanie, being the annoying little shit starter that she is, decided to invite Heidi to the party, which is you know, not going to be awkward at all. Especially when you take into consideration the fact that it's on a fucking boat and assuming you didn't bring a raft there's not exactly an easy way out when shit gets uncomfortable. Obviously, Lauren isn't too happy about this.
Now, with Heidi off at his mortal enemy's birthday party, what is Spencer to do? Not content to sit at home with his retro video games, he decides to have a sort of boys night out. It's been a while since the finale of last season when Spencer got Heidi drunk off her ass and fake married her in Mexico, so you may be wondering if maybe he's changed since then. The answer: no.
Well, the beard is gone but he's still got that serial killer stare down:
He's still kind of a douche:
And he spent his night hitting on an extremely classy bartender. She should consider herself lucky, I mean, who wouldn't want a piece of this hotness?
uck.
So shitstarter Stephanie gets a text form her shitstarter ex about Spencer and immediately tells Heidi. Heidi is shocked:
But Lauren, expressing everyone else's view about this situation, knows it's just more of the same old shit:
Then we're treated with a scene that might as well be lifted from an episode of the OC. First Spencer, borrowing a line from Drea De Matteo, was all like, “come at me bitch.” But he wasn't going to wait, and popped the guy one on the chin and actually drew a little blood. Welcome to the Hills, bitch.
This is where shit gets real. Heidi wants to leave, but can't because as I mention before, they're on a fucking boat. So, searching for comfort over Spencer's asshatery, she turns to the only friend she ever had because she can't seem to keep any, Lauren. Apparently, old habits die hard (or maybe it's just all the booze. Js.).
Laurens reminds Heidi that Spencer is not only a “sucky person,” but also an asshole. Heidi cries about how she misses Lauren's friendship, and how her “favourite memories were here memories with her.” What is actually most remarkable about this scene is that, despite all the tears, no one's make-up is running. I miss the black tears.
Is it weird that at this point I'm sort of shipping Heidi and Lauren? I mean, she did say she was the person she “loved and adored” the most. Okay, maybe it is a little weird.
It all ends with this:
Whoa, hold up. Did Heidi seriously just wipe a tear from Lauren's eye, and then fix her hair? Seriously? That's the kind of thing that in movies is usually followed by a passionate kiss, or by a kid telling their mom to get up out their business. Maybe it's not that weird ... no yeah, it's still weird.
Thus ends my first, and let's face it, probably last Hills recap. I don't know how I feel about the fact that I wasted an evening making a set of gifs of the fucking Hills, and then posting them on this fine blog that no one reads. Plus, based on the second episode that I didn't think was worth mentioning, it's probably all down hill from here.
